Everyone Hates Everyone
by Rebel Paisley
Summary: Lothor kidnapped some old ex-rangers. For some reason or other, Hunter and Cam are sent to rectify this problem. It was probably because the world didn't mind losing some old ex-rangers. But if they *did* manage to survive they would probably have adventures. Lots and lots of adventures.
1. Hunter and Cam Don't Like Each Other

Everyone Hates Everyone

Disclaimer: I don't own Power Rangers or any of its characters. I am not making a profit from this story.

Summary: Lothor kidnapped some old ex-rangers. For some reason or other, Hunter and Cam are sent to rectify this problem. It was probably because the world didn't mind losing some old ex-rangers. Crack fic.

Warnings: Absolute silliness. Mentions of boy/boy relationships and homicidal thoughts.

Much love and thanks to Rogue Ranger and the real vampire for giving me the okay on this. Yeah, that's right; someone gave this the green flag. _Totally_ their fault.

**Old Ex-Rangers:** Tommy, Jason, Trip, Eric, Kai, Zhane, Justin, and Rocky.

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Hunter and Cam didn't like each other.

There were no hidden meanings to this. There was no secret love behind this.

Cam didn't like Hunter.

Hunter didn't like Cam.

They were perfectly happy with this arrangement.

Lothor kidnapped some old ex-rangers.

For some reason or other, Hunter and Cam were sent to rectify this problem.

It was probably because the world wouldn't mind losing some old ex-rangers.

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Tommy didn't like Jason.

Jason was stupid. Jason had been the leader. Tommy had replaced him.

Tommy liked Rocky. It might have had something to do with the fact that their names both ended in 'y'. He wasn't sure.

Point was, Tommy didn't like Jason.

Which made being kidnapped by an evil space Luchador and shackled to a wall _two feet_ from Jason pretty damn undesirable.

Also, it sucked lots.

"We've been in worse situations, haven't we Tommy?" Jason had said with that stupid face smile and that stupid Boy Scout teeth twinkle and that stupid _stupidness_ that made Tommy want to punch him in the neck.

Tommy wished his hands weren't iron-shackled to brick walls in an evil space ship.

That was okay though. If he waited ten minutes maybe one of the evil space Luchadors would send Jason away to an intergalactic peace conference. And then he would _never_ have to see him again.

This was how Tommy was able to reply, "Sure have chief," with the utmost sincerity and optimism. Because they were the first ranger team and weren't allowed to divulge all those secret hidden times they may have plotted for the other's untimely demise.

Yeah Jason, he knew who took out his parking brake. Tommy _knew_.

And if there wasn't a peace conference maybe there would be a good old fashioned stabbing.

Tommy could work with that.

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Trip wasn't sure _how_ he had gotten sucked back into the past, and then captured, but in all honesty he didn't care.

Trip liked the past. Wes and Eric and all the other past people got to enjoy the past _all the time_, but Trip couldn't. Nope. No past for him. He had to stay in the _future_.

That wasn't fair. Do you know what it was like living in the future after living in the past?

No. No you didn't. That was why Trip had taken to describing _in great detail_ all the flaws of the future to Eric, because Eric was on his team and didn't have anything else to do, not like, figuring out an escape plan (which Eric might have been doing because he never bothered responding to any of Trip's questions, but Trip just figured he was shy).

"We don't even have sugar Eric. _Sugar_. Do you know what sugar is? It's happiness. In the future there is no happiness. Please, _please_ let me live with you."

Eric continued not to answer him. Trip took his silence as a sign of approval. Jen had told him that was how it worked.

No wonder Lucas kept asking him for things in his sleep.

Trip had lost a lot of money to Lucas.

"Alright! This will be totally awesome Eric! We'll have pancakes for breakfast and cookies for lunch and then, for dinner, I'll make _cake_."

"I think," one of the other guys who was shackled to the wall said, "that he's asleep."

"No, no," Trip said, because honestly, he knew his teammate. "He's just really shy."

And the snoring sounds coming out of his mouth totally weren't snores.

They were coughs. Really long coughs.

Everybody knew that.

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Kai didn't like being captured.

He thought this was fair; most people didn't like being captured. And when _he_ got captured he usually had to fight someone to the death.

Kai didn't like fighting people to the death. It was hard to get blood out of his uniform.

But being shackled to a wall, that was okay. Kai could work with that.

He just wished the rest of his company would _shut the hell up_.

"Hey Kai," Zhane said after he got teleported into the room, far too happy for someone who had just gotten kidnapped.

"Hey Zhane," Kai replied, because he was polite like that.

Most people weren't polite like that.

The green-haired guy and the other two rangers who were smiling just a _bit too_ fondly at each other hadn't said so much as hello. Just kept carrying on their conversations.

Rude.

"I've been thinking," Zhane said, talking over the snoring guy beside them (who had also ignored Kai). "We should totally date."

Kai thought about this.

"I find this agreeable," he said.

Zhane was very good looking. Zhane would also do things like not be a stupid-Leo, and Kai appreciated that.

"Alright!" Zhane said, because Zhane was one for enthusiasm. "You're hot, I'm hot, our babies will be awesome looking."

"We can't have babies," Kai reminded, because Zhane could sometimes forget details like this. And then Kai would correct him and it was very satisfying.

Gave Kai purpose.

"Right, right," Zhane said with a smile, because Kai was right. "Well, we'll just have to keep trying until we can."

Which will be never, but Kai _liked_ to have sexy-good times with good looking people so he was willing to let that slide.

Zhane winked because he knew this.

Kai winked because he liked winking.

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"We need to do this stealthily," Cam had said, because they were ninjas and ninjas did _stealth_.

"Let's just blow a hole in the ship," Hunter replied, because Hunter was stupid and always disagreed with Cam. "Then while they're trying to plug it, we'll get those old guys out."

"Whatever," Cam said, because reasoning with Hunter was stupid. Because Hunter _was stupid_. "Let's just do both."

He would do some brilliantly brilliant sneaking and then Hunter could do his awful plan. Maybe if Cam got lucky he would blow himself up in the process and they could replace him.

Preferably with someone who acknowledged Cam's genius.

That would be good.

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"Guys," Justin said, though he wasn't sure why because no one had answered him the last _twenty eight_ times he had tried talking to them.

Tommy and Jason kept staring at each other homicidally.

Zhane kept fluttering his eyelashes at some other dude.

One of them was happily talking to an unconscious guy.

They were all about five feet from Justin.

He sort of hated them all.

"_Guys_," he tried again, because he was a team player. "I've almost got my shackles loose, what should we do-"

There was an explosion.

Justin hoped it would explode them all. Maybe then someone would notice him.

(Deep down he knew they wouldn't, which made the crying/ice-cream-eating marathon he was going to have later all the more reasonable).

Clearly it wasn't because he liked ice cream.

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Cam was sneaking around the ship.

Hunter hoped Cam slipped on his ninja stealth and died. Then they could replace him with someone better. Someone who liked Hunter's hair.

Because Hunter had awesome hair, and that sort of thing should be acknowledged.

Daily.

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Cam was able to get the six- oh, okay, seven old ex-rangers out of Lothor's ship and into the Samurai megazord with effortless brilliance.

Hunter didn't blow himself up. It was distressing.

They had to drag one of the guys out by his foot.

His teammate said he was really shy. Cam felt sorry for him.

It sucked to be shy.

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Hunter was able to safely defend Cam and all the old ex-rangers with magnificence that cannot be described.

Cam wasn't dead. Hunter was a little sad about that.

They unloaded the old ex-rangers at Ninja Ops.

One of them kept saying something about other old ex-rangers being targets and formulating a plan or blah-de-bler-de-bler.

Hunter ignored him and decided to get a cookie.

He did good. He got cookies.

Basic science.

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Cam managed to get all the old ex-rangers home because he was smart and Hunter wasn't.

Clearly that was the reason.

(Hunter would argue that it was just the opposite, but Hunter didn't share his cookies so in the official mission log it was going to be Cam's way).

Cam didn't like Hunter.

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Hunter still didn't like Cam.

He liked Cam less after he said he was stupid in the mission log.

That would be the twenty third time to Hunter's twenty two.

That did not rest well with him.

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The old ex-rangers happily went their separate ways. Except Justin, who decided to add a pint of New York Super Fudge Chunk into crying/ice-cream night.

Justin should really learn not to expect so much.

Nothing. Nothing is the amount he should expect.

Except from ice cream. Ice cream _loved_ Justin.

One day, Justin would marry ice cream.

(And by this he meant he would become a wildly successful dessert mogul and play dumb whenever his old friends asked for money).

Some day.

_Some day._

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Tommy and Jason went back to hating each other.

Rocky tried to smooth things over.

It worked. Sort of.

Now they both hate Rocky.

Sometimes Rocky joined Justin in his crying/ice-cream nights.

When they _both_ became successful dessert moguls Rocky would hire a guy to follow them around and throw pies at them.

Aside from minor assault charges, everything seemed pretty awesome.

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Eric didn't know anything had happened until he discovered Trip living in his house a few weeks later.

Trip refused to leave.

Eric stopped trying after Trip made him dinner-cake.

It was unanimously decided that dinner-cake was the best meal of the day, second only to dessert-ice-cream medley.

When they grew old and died together their favorite flavor would be _Tommy and Jason suck for life_.

They weren't sure what made it so tasty.

It just was.

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Kai and Zhane never successfully made babies.

But they're still trying.

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THE END

I don't know where this came from. I really don't. And I fear there may be more of it.

Nothing else I've written is like this, just a heads up, if you go looking.

Hope you enjoyed it : )

Until next time.


	2. Kai Hates Leo

Chapter 2

Kai Hates Leo

(and also, babies)

**FEATURING: **Kai, Zhane, Aisha, Kim, and Carter.

**MENTIONING:** Leo, Dana, and Joel.

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"What are you doing?" Kai asked, because Zhane liked to deviate from the boyfriend rules he had set up, and boyfriend rules were there for a reason.

To _rule_.

"Decorating the nursery," Zhane replied, because Zhane always replied and Zhane never saw what he was doing as a violation of the boyfriend rules. Even if they _were_.

"We don't have a nursery," Kai said. Which was, to this point, an undeniable fact.

To have a nursery you needed to have babies. No babies, no nursery.

If Kai wasn't a man of science he would think the inverse relationship was true. If there was a nursery there would be a baby.

Kai didn't _want_ a baby. Kai didn't know how to take care of a baby. That was why "no decorating nurseries" had been in the boyfriend rules. In triplicate. And underlined. And then he made Zhane memorize it, because Zhane didn't like reading things like instructions and directions and _intergalactic laws they could be breaking_.

Kai was honestly surprised Zhane wasn't a wanted criminal at this point. They were very lucky those few planets didn't mind his attempts at world-concurring. And that Zhane was _bad_ at world conquering (Kai would have been amazing at it but _nooo_- Zhane had wanted to do it "_all_ _on his own"_).

But back to the big picture.

Babies.

"Right," Zhane said, and Kai preened under the praise because he loved that word _so_ much.

Right. _Right_.

Kai was right.

It was almost better than sex. Definitely better than Leo-sex.

And then Zhane continued, because Zhane liked to ruin awesome moments of Kai being the most absolute rightest person in the galaxy.

"Not a nursery. Just a baby room. For the baby."

_Curses_.

Zhane had figured out a loop hole.

Zhane continued, stapling unicorn pictures to the wall. "I figured we've been trying _really_ hard lately and we've got to almost be on the verge of success. I can feel it."

It was then that Kai realized Zhane didn't exactly know _how_ babies were made. Which…explained a lot of things. Like how he didn't know how to have sex. Or the difference between genders.

Or like, what a baby _was_.

Kai was an educational person. Kai liked teaching others.

Curse his pride. He had been so damn self indulgent.

Zhane continued, stape- stape- stapling away. "I." *punch* "Can." *punch* "Feel." *punch* "It." He gave Kai a bright smile. "Give us like, two days. We'll name him Susan."

"What if it's a girl?" Kai asked, because it was important to have backup plans for mythical, non-existent babies.

"Stuart," Zhane replied, tired with his stapling and switching to throwing paint at the ceiling.

Kai exited the room because he didn't want to get paint on _him_.

Kai was sort of sad. Kai liked Zhane. Zhane was good looking. But Zhane _also_ thought they were going to have a baby, and when they _weren't_ going to have a baby…

That was it. Kai was going to steal a baby.

There were a lot of them out there right? How hard could it be to find one?

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Searching for babies was hard.

As it turned out, the hospitals were very rude when he tried to pick out a baby (he had even offered them ten dollars, _ten_, what more could they want?) and the guys they had escort him out of the building used too many tazers and refused to recommend another place to buy a baby.

_Sheesh_, some companies were so rude when it came to assisting the competition. Not that Kai didn't understand the necessity he just- you know, _babies_. That should be a universal code for _"Perfectly reasonable and awesome person trying to pass on his knowledge for the good of humanity". _People should be _throwing_ their babies at him. He was Kai Chen. People should want him raising possible future-universe saviors. Even if the morphers weren't passed through lineages, the misconception should count for something.

They were probably just too stupid to have figured that out. Kai would have to lend them a helping hand (he had to do _everything_), and then get back to finding his babies.

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Kai was a good blogger. No, Kai was the _best_ blogger, and on top of spreading the ranger-baby message he also planted the seeds of _"Leo Corbett, worst power ranger ever? Definitely."_ and _"Who is my favorite power ranger? The blue one. It's always the blue one"_ and _"Nutritional facts to help your kids grow big and strong"_ because he was tired of civilians not getting out of the way because they were so damn out of shape.

Honestly people, shape ups worked. It was _science_.

And now it was time to find babies.

There had to be some in orphanages right? Right. Definitely. Because he was Kai Chen, and Kai Chen was never ever wrong. Even when it came to giving out dieting advice. So what if he wasn't a doctor? He knew things.

Like, Leo had tried to call him about fifteen times in the last hour, something about revealing his secret identity or whatever, and Kai knew better than to be concerned with that.

Leo was stupid, why would anyone care if he was a power ranger?

_Clearly_ someone thought they were a little more important than they actually were.

That's embarrassing.

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Kai got a call from Dana about two hours later, while he was stalking out his next orphanage prey (which were also hard to find, and no, they didn't all have babies).

She wanted to criticize his doctoring ability.

Well, that was fine. He was just going to criticize her _breathing_ ability.

But then Kai remembered he couldn't stab people through phone lines which was a shame honestly, because there were so many people out there that needed a good stabbing.

He would figure it out one day.

But first, babies.

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"No."

"What?"

Kai couldn't believe his ears. Well, he could, because his ears were awesome and super alert like a hunter carefully pursuing his victim, but the expression of obvious disbelief still stands.

"No," Aisha said, angry and mean because she was getting very fat. "You may not have my baby."

Clearly she didn't hear him right. He _needed_ a baby. He wanted Zhane happy, he needed to get a Zhane baby, and it wasn't like Aisha could ever hope to raise the kid better than he could.

Obviously he hadn't demonstrated his unadulterated awesomeness to her; otherwise they wouldn't be having this argument.

"But-" Kai began, trying to rectify this problem.

"_NO_!" Aisha yelled angrily, waving her arms as fire (as in _fire_, fire) shot through the floorboards, and Kai ran out of the room because he was super smart, and super smart guys know you're not supposed to bother fire-breathing dragon ladies.

And you probably don't want their kids either. It could do some serious damage to the insurance. And accidental fires, no one liked that.

Fine, she could keep her daemon baby.

Kai had other people to talk to.

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"Can I -?"

"No, Kai," Kimberly said, not even looking up from her magazine.

Rude.

"But-"

The space-time continuum broke because suddenly Kimberly was replaced by the anti-Kim, bazookas and flamethrowers and missile launchers ablazing.

"NO KAI!"

There was a whirling vortex of pain and misfortune coming out of Kim's face, and then there were explosions, and Kai made a hasty retreat.

Good _golly_ these ranger ladies were psychopaths.

Maybe he should look somewhere else for his baby. Somewhere that wouldn't try to murder him.

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"Kai."

Kai knew that voice. He knew that voice like he knew the back of his own hand.

The right one of course though, no one gave a damn about the other one.

"Kai," the voice said again, and the blue ranger looked down from his perch high in the tree to find Carter staring up at him, stupid-patient Carter expression on his face.

Kai had liked Carter. Carter _also_ found rules and regulations a comforting and well-deserved god to pledge eternal allegiance to. But Carter was a stick in the mud, even by Kai's standards. He was the 'Dad' to all the Power Rangers, giving them strict bedtimes and doling out punishments to give them "character" and refusing to let them stay up all night and have movie marathons and eat lots of cookies or play pranks on unsuspecting civilians.

Point was, Carter was the straightest of all straight-laced straight-men, and whenever he showed up misery and fun-killing were sure to ensue.

Kai was not wrong. He waited for his lecture.

"You can't steal people's babies," Carter explained, and Kai attempted to throw and apple at him. Carter shot it, splattering apple mush all over his coat and continued. "Also, you need to stop writing blogs about Leo, and paying Joel to stab Dana. I don't appreciate that. And making up imaginary currency to pay him with is less nice. If he hadn't looked up what a tectonic-laser-ruble was she would have been neck-stabbed by now. Is that what you want?"

"Yes!" the blue ranger called back down and he may have seen Carter sigh, if he had been paying attention to Carter.

Which, for future reference, he wasn't.

"Right," Carter said, shaking his head in his stupid 'Dad'-way. "Stupid question."

"Indeed," Kai murmured, and a laser blast sailed right by his head, Carter looking completely innocent and smug and _stupid_ whenever Kai went to glare at him accusingly.

"You can't-"

"I _need_ a baby," Kai complained. He did, really he did.

And for once in his stupid-Carter life, Carter tilted his head to the side and _didn't_ say something completely boring or unhelpful, but instead thought of a brilliant idea.

Which Kai would later steal and take total credit for.

"Dogs have babies," Carter offered.

And just like that, it all fell into place.

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"Congratulations!" Kai shouted as he came into the house/not-nursery/baby-room. "We did it. Here's our baby."

He settled the puppy onto the floor, because that was where puppy/babies went, and the thing immediately attacked Zhane's face in a cutesy/epic licking battle of unimaginable adorableness.

Zhane had been passed out on the floor from decorating so well. Now Zhane was on the floor because he was being a dad so well, playing with their baby.

"Stuart!" Zhane yelled happily, just as Kai exited the puppy/baby room to do some more blogging.

They had done really good. And now Kai needed to let the world know how _much_ more good they had done than Leo.

On the off-hand chance they ever got real babies, they could read the archives and behold his might.

All in all, not too shabby for a days work.

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Endnotes:

Yeah, there was more. But sense it's not all that substantial/serious/meaningful I figured I would just group all these one-shots together in a place I call the "Derp-verse".

Just figured, why not?

Until next time.


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